SQUARRITES
GO HUNGARY 2005
BUDAPEST 12th
– 15th October 2005
Click here for picture
gallery
11
total
340
Florints to the £. i.e 2000 = £6
EasyJet
16:40 from Luton. 20:40 back to Luton. Cost £46.23 return.
Bill
Tab had only 4 months to go on his passport but sought dispensation from the 6
month rule direct from the Hungarian Embassy.
Wednesday 12th
Where’s Luton?
Gather
in the Westbury swearing to be sensible with drink over the next few days and
ordered a couple of Stellas for starters.
Off
in the luxury coach/sardine tin to help the driver find his way. Had anybody
been to Luton Airport? Had anyone been South of Birmingham?
Navigated
our way to Watford Gap ablutions and Burger King pit stop.
Direct
to Luton and check in early for the 16:40 flight. Scottie had to forfeit his
penknife but was luckily saved from the full body search.
Craig
had had an expensive weekend having hired a Captain Hook outfit for a
party. He managed the beer drinking
quite well but had a slight mishap while picking his nose.
Into
the cattle pens with Craig desperate for the loo. We were in pen No.1so should
have first choice of seats to accommodate Bill’s 35” inside legs. Someone shouted “Up the rear” and we mounted
the steps to claim the back few rows and a little space to spare.
There
followed a quick take off, good flight, smooth landing and a long, convoluted
tour of Budapest airport complex before docking at the terminus.
The
bus would cost £143 to the Hotel. I’m not paying that said Tatee – we’ll get a
taxi instead. Still the fare was for return, free from rip off risk and we
would be together.
Suitcases
in through the back door and off through the suburbs sharing with 2 girls set
for a short stay at the Astoria. “Your not one of those groups that even have
their own tee shirts are you?” they asked
Arrive
at the Erzsebet Hotel and claim a bed
Keiths
Jackson & Phillips + Richie 501
Yup/Dave
Stubbs 503
Ian/Scott 505
Bill
Tabernor/Steve Morgan 511
Craig 516
Tatee 517
I
opened my suitcase to unpack but found my shampoo bottle had emptied itself all
over my anorak. Not even a bubble left
Only
one “solution”. Wear the anorak and take a shower. It felt strangely like
intercourse with a condom but don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
There
was a nice system of Safe Deposits with duel key access that seemed to work
well.
Evening
Where’s your grappa gone.
To
the pedestrianised bistro street. Table for10? Certainly, just a quick word
into the ear of a young couple did the trick and the area was soon cleared.
Bill
chose the Rosy Pork with caramelised apple and lemon sauce, steak potatoes
& veg at 11 Euros. 6 voices cried “I’ll have the same” and 3 ordered pizza.
The
beer flowed freely and the wine followed. Complimentary Grappa and local fruity
brandy completed the meal declared by Keith2 as the best he’d ever had and at
£10 all in probably the best value.
With
stomachs prepared for some serious drinking we headed for the Karaoke bar where
Bill’s name was put down to sing Delilah though he was never called.
Return
around 3:00 to collect the keys from reception. Tatee’s key is apparently not
there and despite his protestations a demand is made for a fine for the lost
key.
Tatee
feared that he has been seriously stitched up, or worse his room was being
stripped of his possessions. Better call big Bill to explain the situation in
clearer terms.
Bill
approached the desk, asked for Room 517 and was promptly handed the key.
Had
the key been placed on the wrong hook?, had a dire plot been thwarted?, had
Tatee's rich Stokie accent caused confusion? We will never know but Tatee
suspected the worst.
And
so eventually to bed. Would I have to drink so much every night so I could
sleep through snores like those soon rattling the windows?
Thursday 13th
Daytime
Fun on the Funicular
Scottie
& Ian disappeared to find somewhere able to exchange Traveller's Cheques to
meet us by the Danube before crossing the chain bridge to the cable car ride to
Buda Castle. The boys from the gym ran up the steps to joint the fat and the
idle for a photo opportunity on the battlements and a trip round the castle
with a diversion through the lobby of the folk museum with innocent apologies
to the man at the desk.
A
magnificent sculpture of a hunting scene with slain stag, hounds and bare
breasted ladies by a waterfall dominated an entire wall and prompted a
discussion about the merits of modern art. Comparison with Tracey Emmen’s
“sculpture” of her bed was obvious.
On
to the Old Town of Buda for some more culture and wine tasting after a meal in
a deserted courtyard guarded by the Devil.
Despite
Yup’s best map reading including many diversions and close inspection of every
door the wine cellar was never found. Budapest had gone upmarket on us and the
wine tasting was now only available in something resembling an Ikea store.
So more culture instead with a tour of St. Stephen’s Cathedral, the state crown jewels and fisherman’s bastion.
Click
on photo for
video
Late Afternoon
Camping at the Lido
6
of us grabbed towel and trunks and followed Yup over the bridge towards the
palatial Gelert Spa.
Something
didn’t feel quite right about this alleged jewel of Hungarian culture. The
crumbling monument to Stalin didn’t even appear to have a door and was
decidedly tacky. The language barrier was solved by the fitness trainer who
soon left each of us with our own version of the cost and procedure.
The
changing room attendant proved even creepier – a cross between an aging
professional sperm donor and a child molester but most definitely more camp
than a row of tents.
He
watched carefully while we undressed before carefully locking the individual
lockers but keeping the key. Perhaps he intended to get his kicks trawling
through 6 lots of dirty underwear but who cared?
Off
to the compulsory showers to be bathed in stinking sulphur water in a series of
rooms modelled on Auschwitz and into the swimming hall. The sauna was full but
friendly and, when we finally all sat down together, hot. In fact it was bloody
hot and we soon left for more swimming and an exhibition under water length
performed by Richie.
As
we left the pensioners were massing for hydrotherapy and compulsive colonic
irrigation to be perhaps performed by the creepy attendant.
Yup
decided that we had made all the correct turns but we had started by crossing
the wrong bridge. The new Gelert spa hotel was a solid marble palace
(allegedly) and lay just over the bridge nearest to our Hotel.
Evening
Getting in and getting out.
Yup
lead the way again via a couple of drinks at the Irish bar and on to a
Restaurant highly recommended in the guide books. Its name was Fatal which proved
prophetic as we wound our way down a steep staircase into a labyrinth of narrow
passageways past kitchens preparing flaming steaks on propane gas fires and
climbed into the furthest corner of the deepest cellar.
The
food was well presented on wooden platters decorated with paper doilies and
piled high with mounds of potatoes surmounted by a wafer of best Hungarian
steak.
I
thought I heard someone mention that they had seen good offers on portable
computers in shops open until late. Budapest was apparently famous for its lap
top establishments though viruses and even worms could be caught.
A
scouting party quickly formed to find the best deal and explored the pedestrian
street which quickly led them to the Tropicana where the latest models could be
seen. However it was soon apparent that they were all high maintenance models
that soon ran out of juice. One was obviously top heavy with the lid up and
could easily fall over. There was talk
of a Back Door virus as well as Cavity Virus which would “increase the length
of the host file”
The
remaining group went in search of the scouting party expecting to find them in
Aphrodite not realising they’d gone to Tropicana. However everything available
at Aphrodite was also high maintenance.
Bill
and Yup allegedly spirited themselves away into the night unknown and unseen by
Keith and Stubbie. Keith was later to claim a hands on experience, which had
distracted him. The management claimed
that he had agreed to buy some very expensive fuel cells, which had been activated,
and payment was due. Protests, stern lectures to young would be hackers and
even tears were tried until the management relented. However the night was not over and just round the corner Keith
and Stubbee were offered an alternative deal.
Friday 14th October –
Szentendre
Mud or Minge?
Off
to the Astoria underground station to catch the red train to Bathyany ter and
the main line north alongside the Danube to Szentendre.
The
town came highly recommended with a museum for every taste; weaving, embroidery,
wine, art and even the Szabo Marzipan Museum.
A
quick photo opportunity at the monument to a finger proved too good to miss
before the short walk into town.
The
search for the ferry back to Budapest proved unfruitful though the locals were
helpful and friendly. The search through parkland and the riverbank took longer
than expected and bladders soon ached to be relieved. But just as a suitable
tree had been located a friendly local would appear from nowhere to cause
severe bouts of urinus interruptus. Keith found a quiet spot to pee by the
river but slipped on the muddy bank to crack his head. The lump on his head
quickly grew to the size of an egg but he had the good sense to preserve his
hand. Craig’s litre bottle of carbonated warm water was available to wash the
mud that covered his body. His computing finger luckily did not need cleaning.
Back
to town for beer and lunch at the Jolly Grey Friar. (Not to be confused with
the absent menopausal Fryer). Everyone went for the Goulash except Yup who insisted
on having an egg poached in clear, tasteless soup. He claimed it was good although I caught him looking enviously at
the spicy alternative.
The
soup was followed by Gypsy Pork, which came with imitation pineapple rings made
of pure lard. The pancakes with strawberry sauce to follow were disappointing
–more like a crepe with thin jam. At a cost of 3200 (£9), including the beers,
it was good value for such a tourist honey pot.
A
fellow diner wished us well. Apparently he had sat at the next table to us in
the Fatal bar and would have recognised Yuppy’s laughter anywhere.
A
girl at another table yacked incessantly to a group of American tourists. We
guessed that she was also American but had learnt how to breathe through her
arse to save interrupting the flow of her conversation.
Back
to the Station to find a train waiting to take us back to the bright lights but
Bill had trouble finishing his pee within the 10 minutes available and he,
Steve, Stubbie and Yup missed the train but took the opportunity to stop off at
Pomaz for cheap beer, cabbage & meatballs served by 2 allegedly delightful
waitresses (Photo awaited).
Evening
Revelations
The
rest returned to Budapest and walked back to the Hotel for a 1 hour
synchronised snore. Up at 7:00 and out by 7:15 to visit the fabulous bars found
by Scottie and Ian. Piano bars, jazz or vibrant polka dancing were all
available near to the main train station, a short walk away.
After
a long meander around some fabulous architecture we called into a greasy spoon
café and ordered a beer from the frosty faced harridan behind the small bar.
Yup
rang to report that they had returned and asked Craig for directions to
regroup.
However
Craig’s sense of location had escaped him so much that Yup ran out of credit on
his phone. Yup managed to credit his phone with another £20 and rang Craig back
only to find that Craig’s sense of location had not improved and that the
credit was again in rapid decline. Arrangement was made to meet in the
McDonald’s by the station.
“Where
are we going next?” I asked Scottie, to be met with the stern repost that this
was as good as it gets. Confused I went to the loo and was surprised that all
the lighting was subdued and red in colour. A poster of a naked girl adorned
the top of the stairs and the loo appeared over elaborate for such an obvious
dive.
Back
down the stairs to find Richie with a strange look on his face and a girl in
sequined bra peering through a narrow door from behind his shoulder. All I
could think of saying was “Hello” which was met by a sharp curl of her lip.
“Who was that?” I asked but Richie had been too shy to ask for details or even
to look over his shoulder.
The
greasy spoon café was changed in increments into a peep show palace and various
young ladies came in off the street and up the stairs.
Another
visit to the loo was called for to discover that a wall had mysteriously
disappeared to reveal a dimly lit saloon with a pole to hold up the ceiling.
A
scantily clad girl had me sussed as a likely idiot, smiled sweetly and started
to embrace the pole.
Down
the stairs quickly to find that the door was now locked and an appeal to the
harridan was required to press the remote button to unlock and off to meet the
others at McDonald’s. In any case the price of a drink had suddenly increased
to 6000 Florints and a visit upstairs to the loo 8000 (£17 & £24
respectively)
This
was to have been the big night of the Squarry Club but the urge to go in
separate ways had set in.
Scottie,
Ian went their way and the muscle boys climbed into a taxi to leave the
Enviro-mentals to search for a curry house.
The
Bombay was found but was locked up and the doorway converted to a public
toilet.
A
quick couple of beers and on to the next curry house to arrive at 11:10 to find
that it had shut at 11:00.
There
was only one option available to walk all the way back to the Fatal restaurant
and beg a late entrance.
The
food was just as well presented and we were able to sit at the bottom of the
stairs with a small view of the world outside.
The
Enviro-mentals left around 1:30 and returned to the hotel. Keith soon started
to rattle the windows of the south side of the City with his snores. Thank god
that Richie arrived back around 2:45 in a noisy animated style and with a
conversation punctuated with more F’s than the dirty Limerick
He,
Craig & Tatee had caught a taxi back to the Hotel area at a cost of 5000
(£5
each) and found themselves behind a red curtain in the underpass/subway station
round the corner. The local girls had been bumping and grinding and the beer
was cheap.
He
fell asleep in great waves of praise and asterisks. Keith rolled onto his side
and stopped snoring and all was well.
Craig
also returned but fell asleep fully dressed in a chair until around 6:00.
Saturday 15th October
Heroes and Charity
The
hotel restaurant was crowded for breakfast and the Germans ran off with any
unattended chair. Scottie considered putting a towel on each chair to reserve.
Ian
and Scottie were up for one more trip to the main railway station, the muscle
boys went back to re-discover the site of their previous night’s adventure.
The
enviro mentals went off to find Hero’s Square and the Opera House.
Hero’s
Square proved magnificent though the adjacent park looked a bit run down and
well deserving its millions of EC grant award.
The
Opera House was grand but the tour of the inside was a 2 hour wait away.
St.
Stephen’s Basilica proved a high spot in both senses.
The
inside was awesome, deep red and gold in a style between Baroque and Rococo.
We sat and watched all the open mouthed visitors.
Tickets
for the trip to the roof were purchased and offered to the girl on the chair by
the lift. “I am just resting here” she replied. “I take parties of tourists
around Hungary and was at the next table to you in the Jolly Friar yesterday- I
would recognise Yup’s laugh anywhere.”
The
lifts were brand new and proudly proclaimed as suitable for 6 persons. However
when Yup, Bill and 2 equally healthy Germans boarded, the overload alarm rang.
Bill won the cold stare competition, the Germans got out and the lift ascended.
The
views were amazing and even seduced Steve to make a full panoramic circuit.
Coffee in the Square was equally grand and we considered staying for the rest of the day until Yup discovered that the early closing Indian restaurant was just round the corner.
The restaurant was open though with only a few diners to begin with. The food was only OK but was saved by the nan breads that were made in open ovens at the bar-delicious.
The
size of the meals were more than sufficient and even defeated Stubbie.
Back
to the Hotel to find everyone except Scottie and Ian. Craig was getting
increasingly agitated and contemplated staying behind to help them get home by
an alternative method. Richie was more relaxed; comforted by the knowledge that
Scott was well practiced in brinkmanship and would turn up with 2 minutes to
spare.
The
coach arrived and so did Ian and Scottie. They had 2 excuses, they thought the
coach was later and a young lady collecting for a soup kitchen for the poor and
homeless had stopped them in the street. Scottie had offered her a spoon.
The
coach did a final quick tour of the City, collected the girls from the Astoria
and sped to the Airport We arrived at
the Airport so early that the fight was not even on the display or boarding
desk open.
A
long wait turned into an even longer wait as it became clear that the plane was
still in Luton.
Even
when the plane arrived we were still stuck on the tarmac waiting for a Lady
with some passport problem. The plane could not go without her but the
Authorities would not let her go.
After
a further 20 minutes a bloke boarded, gave a smile and took his seat. The plane
doors were locked as everyone mumbled that the passport discrepancy might be
easily explained.
The
pilot proved not only to be female but Chinese to boot. Still what do you
expect for a return flight cost of £46.23
By
the time we arrived at Luton, the man who operates the steps had got tired of
waiting and had gone home. Eventually the apprentice step operator bumped the
ladder against the plane and climbed the steps. Unfortunately he had missed the
door opening and had to retrace to try again.
Eventually
we gathered in the baggage reclaim only to find that the handlers had also gone
home to compound the delays.
The
good news was that despite receiving his entire pay in advance the taxi driver
had continued to wait for nearly 4 hours but was rewarded by Richie with 200
fags from Phil’s bounty.
Jacko
Here’s to next year:
Squarrites ‘Krak off’ ?
Squarrites ‘Book a rest’ ?
Squarrites ‘Must go’ ?
Squarrites ‘Go dutch’ ?
Squarrites ‘have a nice one in misen’ ??
Or
‘Riga r us’
or …